054 | Back On the Wagon

“Back on the wagon” is such a loaded expression. Let’s talk about it.

I’m going to preface today’s conversation with the disclaimer that I might be a little more all over the place than usual. My brain is still trying to put together and make sense of an experience I just had, and sometimes as I’m working things out, it’s a little bit like playing whack-a-mole. There’s no real rhyme or reason to it, I just keep hitting shit. Or, in this case, keep chewing on different ideas until all the flavor is gone and then stick it in my hair.

(That weird-ass idiom is dedicated to my momma. I hope you’re resting in peace, Mom.)

You gotta have a wagon to get back on

Recently, I was in a meeting with a coworker recently and she said something that both made me sad and made me nod along in agreement. We were talking about self-management tools for health and wellness. In this case, it was a mental health self-management tool. We were talking about how people will use tools when they want. They’re on again, off again, on again, off again.

This coworker had said something to the effect of, “Yeah, but that’s just sort of what self-management is, and you gotta have a wagon to get back on.”

Now, for some context, this was not a happy or angry statement. It was just a statement—sort of, “it is what it is.”

I have a couple feelings about this.

On the one hand, sure. This is, sort of, what self-management is. Self-management is about prioritizing your focus, making adjustments, practicing habits to support those adjustments, and pivoting when something isn’t working or your priorities change.

On the other hand, it’s also kind of a defeating way to think about it. It paints the picture that maintaining your health and wellness will inevitably always be a rollercoaster.

And I can see how it would feel like that. Again, life happens, it throws you off your game, you have to pivot and adjust and try again. It’s not linear, which can feel like you’re pedaling a bike to nowhere, fast.

When that’s what the landscape looks like, it’s easy to see how so many people throw up their hands and say, “Fuck this, never mind. I’ll just do whatever I want to do and if I get fat, I get fat, or if I get sick, I get sick.”

I’m not any different. When I make a choice that is less than healthy, every now and then I’ll say, “Well, we all gotta die of something.”

This is sort of a complicated topic to tackle because there are so many different things going on here, especially when we break it down and realize we’re talking about attitude, perception, baggage, fear, and resignation.

It is what it is.

Why bother when it doesn’t make a difference anyway?

It breaks my heart, and at the same time, I get it. What I come on this podcast and talk about isn’t easy stuff. It’s like the epitome of easier said than done.

I don’t even know that I’m coming to this podcast episode offering any solutions as much as I am offering some acknowledgement. Yes, I come here and talk about how to live and feel like your most badass self in the wake of big life changes, uncertainty, and fear. And even though I offer tools and steps and things to think about, at the end of the day…

This is really hard stuff.

It’s stuff that you have to commit yourself to and be okay with the shakiness of it all and accept that it’s not always going to be pretty. Sometimes you’re going to feel like a failure. Like you’ll never get it right. Then, somehow, you find the strength and courage to keep trying.

So maybe this is just my way of acknowledging that even though I maybe don’t say it enough, the kind of journey that we’re talking about here is hard. It’s hard, and it’s worth it.

Sometimes you’re going to be Johnny on the spot and you’re going to dominate all of the habits and routines and attitudes and things are going to be going great.

Other times, your mom dies, a family member ends up in rehab, you’re pretty sure your puppy is out to get you, you’re stuck in your job because you’re at the mercy of the outrageous cost of living, your gym shuts down, you’re sick AGAIN, and every connection you make feels fragile.

(In case you didn’t catch it, this last bit is called projecting. And yes, I’m fine.)

And in some ways… the rollercoaster, or this wagon to get back on, can provide a grounding opportunity.

Make healthy habits and routines your anchor

Rather than lean into shit storm, these self-management tools, these habits, these routines, these goals are the anchor. They give you something to hold onto while the world around you beats the crap out of you. Because eventually, you hit the eye of the hurricane or the storm passes and you’re still standing.

Sure, you’ve got a bit of a mess to clean up and maybe you have to chart a new path to familiar places, but that’s OK because you know how—you have the tools to do it and still be OK.

I guess that’s why I don’t come on here and say shit like, “here are the only 10 steps you need to be a badass—it’s a magic pill and once you take it, you’ll never have to try hard again!”

Shit like that isn’t real because life isn’t stagnant. You, as a human being, are not stagnant. You change and grow and learn and make shitty choices and great choices, you’re selfish and selfless, compassionate and self-centered.

So what’s the goal then? If this is a never-ending rollercoaster and you’re constantly going to have to work at it, what’s the point?

And this is important, because I’m known for saying I want to help you step off the rollercoaster for good. And I do.

But the point is that you are not creating your own rollercoaster. Are you tired of this analogy yet? Hang in there with me just a little longer, we’re getting to the good stuff.

A rollercoaster of your own making

Most of the people I work with are on a rollercoaster of their own making, built by drastic choices that have them bouncing between extremes. Easiest example is the person who is overweight, self-conscious, unhappy, scared, and insecure, so they go on a crash diet where they do a juice cleanse for 3 days, consuming around 500 calories a day, just to go into full-on binge mode on day 4 and consume a week’s worth of calories in one day. And they do this over and over until their body doesn’t know how self-regulate—or at least, it doesn’t self-regulate the way that it was designed to do.

That’s an example of a rollercoaster of your own making, and that’s the kind of thing that I am passionate about helping people overcome. Because that’s a miserable way to live. It’s absolutely miserable to wake up in the morning, feel like crap about yourself, and feel completely stuck because nothing you’ve ever tried has made any difference and has in fact made things worse.

But what about the rollercoaster that’s just life with all the bullshit? The stuff that comes our way that we really have no control over? That’s when we can leverage our tools to handle those with as much control and influence as we can. We can mitigate how disruptive those events are in our lives.

I’m still grieving the loss of my mom. I’m still grieving my two miscarriages. I’m grieving the loss of Bella. In those moments of intense grief – when the wounds were fresh – I could decide how to take care of myself. The biggest challenge being to not turn to drinking to cope. For a lot of people, things like drugs, alcohol, and destructive behavior is how they get through these life changes. It’s hard, and it sucks. But I will always believe that the more you practice healthy habits and behaviors, the better. You’ll do better when shit hits the fan and you’re trying to stay standing through the storm.

Because then, getting “back on the wagon” is just something you do. It’s not a disruptive life change or something that consumes all of your energy. It’s just part of how you live your life.

And yes, it takes thought and it takes intention.

But you know what? That’s a good thing. You want to live your life thoughtfully and with intention. There’s a reason why mindfulness is such an important mental health practice. Every now and then, it’s nice to come unplugged and rest and let the world just move around you. But more often than not, you want to be an active participant in your own life.

A lot of this has sounded much more soap-boxy and ra-ra than I intended but I guess it’s because I just have really strong feelings about it. It’s why I focus so much on attitude and perception. Those things can paint one situation in very different ways, and that gives you very different scenarios to respond to.

Be an active participant in your own life

I guess if I had to recap all of this, I would say be an active participant in your own life, step off the rollercoaster of your own making and instead equip yourself with the tools to help you navigate what life throws at you, and know that you deserve more than throw up your hands in resignation because making good choices for yourself can be so much harder than not giving a shit. Because the trap is that if you don’t give a shit now, you make your life so much harder than if you put in the effort every day and show up for yourself as best you can.

I’ll leave you with that for today. Hopefully this gave you some things to think about and I hope that the next time you feel your defeatist attitude taking over, you can come back to this and remind yourself that there’s a reason you make the effort every day, even if it means you’re on and off whatever wagon carries your baggage. We’ve all got it, we all carry it. So be kind to yourself.